


A Bell Rings

by LauraRoslin



Category: Star Trek: Voyager
Genre: Christmas, F/M, It's A Wonderful Life AU
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-25
Updated: 2017-12-25
Packaged: 2019-02-20 03:11:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 7,676
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13137858
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LauraRoslin/pseuds/LauraRoslin
Summary: Voyager'sfinal battle leaves Kathryn alone on her dying ship with a desire to have never existed. It's a good thing she has a guardian angel.





	1. Year: Present

**Author's Note:**

> A million thank you's to my amazing betas, [Helen8462](https://jhelenoftrek.tumblr.com/) and [Cheile](http://cheile.tumblr.com/). You're both so wonderful and I couldn't have done this without you!

The bridge was anything but quiet with burst pipes hissing, fire crackling, and the repetitive pulsing of the klaxon. Despite the cacophony, Kathryn's mind felt empty and quiet. The lights flickered and the bridge was lit only by fires for several seconds until power was restored. Kathryn sighed heavily, tiredly, and allowed her eyes to close briefly as she leaned against the conn. The view screen provided a constant reminder of what had happened, debris hitting an already battered  _Voyager_. If she allowed her eyes to focus long enough, she could barely make out the escape pods in the distance.

 _As long as the crew is safe_ , she sighed, allowing her eyes to close once more.  _As long as Chakotay is safe._

There was a planet within reach of the escape pods and a people willing to provide her crew with another ship and another chance at getting home. She knew Chakotay and Tuvok could make the hard decisions to keep her crew safe, and she had provided the distraction necessary to get the escape pods to safety.

A harsh cough brought tears to her eyes and she wiped at them, spreading grease and soot across her cheeks. With the smoke building up in the bridge, she knew she wouldn't be able to last much longer, but she felt a stubborn need to stay. She coughed again and checked to make sure the distress signal was still broadcasting, only hoping she could get additional support for her crew. Something to save them, not herself.

Resigning herself to her fate, she pushed herself to her feet and looked around the bridge. It was an empty shell of a ship and she couldn't help but picture the first time she had stood at her captain's chair, the first time she'd heard "Captain on the bridge" there. A brief smile tugged at her lips as she sank into Chakotay's chair, her fingers lightly running over the flickering console and the over the armrest. His chair felt different than hers, the view of the bridge unusual despite being shifted over less than a meter. She felt an ache growing in her chest at his absence and the improbability of never seeing him again.

She quickly closed her eyes, against both the memories and the smoke, and covered her face in her hands. The ache in her chest bubbled up until she felt the sobs catching in her throat. A few tears overflowed, leaving dirty trails down her cheeks. As she felt the first of them land on her hand, the dam burst and the sobs came tumbling out.  _Voyager_  shuddered, groaning and creaking loudly. A few pieces of her plating came free and drifted off behind the ship, unnoticed by Kathryn.

"I'm sorry," she whispered, her fingers digging in to her first officer—her love's—chair. "I love you, but I had to do this." Her breath was shaky from her sobs and the smoke, but she continued her whispers until she slipped into unconsciousness.


	2. Year: 2355

She stared into the mirror for several long moments, trying to make sure her uniform was as perfect as possible. After adjusting her single gold pip and her hair once more, she nodded and stepped out of her quarters on the  _Al-Batani._  They had responded to a distress call from a small, distant Federation planet and she was hoping desperately Captain Paris would allow her to join the away team. She wanted a chance to prove herself worthy of her new bridge position and lay enough of a personal foundation with Paris to earn a promotion to lieutenant as soon as possible.

She pushed her way through the small crowds in the hallway until she reached the turbolift, unable to keep her limbs still as she anxiously awaited her arrival at the bridge. She took her place at the bridge's science station, unable to stay focused as she waited for Paris to arrive and announce the away team. Her fingers tapped against her console for what felt like hours before his ready room door slid open.

"The Selay city is stable enough for us to send a team down to evaluate damage. Determine if it's repairable in time, otherwise we'll begin evacuations. You'll have just under two hours on the planet," Captain Paris explained as he regarded his crew. "Number One, you'll lead the away team with Lieutenants Sykes, Wilhem, and Marks, and Ensign Janeway."

Kathryn looked up, struggling to keep her composure.

"Aye, Captain," Commander Scott nodded and gestured to the three Lieutenants. "We'll meet in the transport room in ten minutes. Be ready or get left behind. You too, Janeway."

She quietly followed them off the bridge, pausing when she saw Paris' subtle smile for her. She was starting to think that using her father's connections wasn't as bad as she thought it would be.

Just over ten minutes later, she found herself standing on the surface of Selay. The planet could have been beautiful if not for the mountains in the distance spewing dark clouds of what she assumed to be ash. Between the area they stood and the mountains was a shimmering purple force field. The field was patchy in areas and completely degraded in others, leaving the Selay city exposed to the volcano as it prepared to erupt.

"It'll take an hour to evacuate the city if we need to, so we've got forty-five minutes to fix this. Ellaysay is waiting for us inside." Commander Scott led the way into the control center building connected to the force field, barely waiting for the rest of the away team to catch up.

Kathryn scurried after them, her boots rapidly clicking against the ground as she jogged to keep up with the much taller men. She nearly bumped into Lieutenant Sykes as he came to an abrupt halt, barely managing to stop in time and move off to his left.

She watched quietly as their delegate explained the force field system as quickly as they could, the urgency in their voice sparking urgency within Kathryn. She tapped her fingers against her leg, eager to dive in and figure out what was wrong.

Finally, they were each given a control console and time to work. She figured out the system quickly enough and started searching for any anomalies small or strange enough to have been missed by the Selay's own maintenance team. The room was silent and before too long, she was even able to tune out the sirens. As the silence wore on, she felt her frustration growing. The tension in the room grew as well until Commander Scott hit his console in frustration and stepped back.

"Time to evacuate. This damn force field isn't fixable." He tapped Lieutenant Marks' station and shook his head. "I'll contact the Captain and arrange evacuations."

"Wait, Commander. I think I've found something." Kathryn briefly looked over her shoulder toward him, her fingers still moving over the console.

"We don't have time, Ensign. Go with Marks to find our delegate." Scott started to walk away, but Kathryn called him back.

"Sir, I insist. I think I've discovered the problem." The force in her voice surprised herself.

"I said we don't have time. Go with Marks." His voice easily overwhelmed hers and he shook her head as he left their stations to return outside where the combadges worked.

"Come on, Janeway." Marks gently touched her arm as he walked by her, but she shook her head.

"I'm serious. I can fix this!" She looked up at the lieutenant, unable to help herself in pleading with him.

"Are you sure?" he asked hesitantly.

"Positive. I think…"

He shook his head and sighed. "You know what, fine. Wilhem, come with me. Sykes, help Janeway and maybe we'll fix this thing after all."

She heard, rather than saw, the two lieutenants leave and focused all of her attention on her screen. She was grateful Selay had a hieroglyphics-based language she could understand well enough. "There are small variances throughout the system," she explained as she worked, not even looking away from the display. "Ones that would be easily unnoticed. I'm trying to track them to see if they're impacting the force field or if they're standard variances."

Sykes stood behind her, silently watching her every move. She was unaware of time or anything going on outside her field of view, her only distraction coming from the rapid beating of her heart and the staccato rhythym of her breathing.

"Kathryn, can you fix it?" Commander Scott's voice surprised her and she jumped involuntarily, unsure of when he had returned and when Sykes had left. "We're only a quarter of the way done evacuating; we won't finish in time."

"I think there's interference in the tritanium computer system causing the tripolymer nullifiers to not respond…" She looked back at him and bit her lip.

"How in the hell did you figure that out?" She couldn't tell, but it sounded like Scott was impressed.

"I-I looked through non-essential systems and things the Selay probably didn't check." She shrugged again and cleared her throat. "If we lower subspace field control with defense transceivers, the force field should be restored."

"I'll find our delegate. That shouldn't take too long to set up…" He patted her shoulder and offered her a quick smile. "Good work, Kathryn."

"I don't know if it'll work, Commander," she tried, but he shook his head.

"Have faith."

Ten minutes later, Kathryn stood outside with the away team and Captain Paris, her eyes focused on the force field and the volcano in the distance. She kept a silent countdown until the eruption, the hair on the back of her neck standing up. If this didn't work, they didn't have time to try anything else. Slowly, the purple started knitting together. The gaps closed and the thinned-out areas grew thicker and darker until it was a uniform wall of flickering purple.

A cheer went up around the gathered crowd, but it was easily overwhelmed by a loud boom as the volcano erupted and sent rocks, ash, pumice, and lava toward the force field. Silence immediately fell and Kathryn dug her nails into her palm, only releasing her breath when the field held strongly and the debris fell just short of the city. Another cheer sounded and she allowed herself a small, triumphant smile which grew when Paris caught her gaze and winked.


	3. Year: 2359

It was supposed to be a simple away mission; a surveillance mission to get an idea of how large the Cardassian force was, and how powerful. They would be in and then get the hell out, returning to the ship before the Cardassians suspected the Federation was anywhere near their planet.

No one knew where such a simple plan had gone wrong. The most likely scenario seemed to be a spy, that someone had alerted the Cardassians. As the away team waited for transport back to the  _Al-Batani_ , both they and the ship itself came under fire. They lost contact immediately and were forced to seek shelter, left with no other alternative than to fight until they could beam off the planet.

Trapped in a standoff for three days, the six members of the away team fought against an unknown—but not large—number of Cardassians. Each time a crackle came over the combadge, they could see the fire up in orbit and knew more damage was being done to their ship, continuing the standoff and delaying their return.

Kathryn's back ached, her shoulders ached, her feet ached. She swore even her eyelashes hurt. Despite all this, she shifted where she knelt and glanced toward enemy lines. It was quiet, the first bit of silence in three days, so she took the opportunity to actually sit down. The ground was hard and sitting was not much more comfortable than kneeling, but it at least took pressure off her knees. Not having to hold up her phaser rifle was a relief as well.

She looked to her right and studied the young ensign clinging tightly to her weapon. The poor woman hadn't even moved and Kathryn couldn't even be sure if she was still alive. She hoped she was—the man to her left had been shot not long after the fighting started and she still felt his dried blood along her hairline and on her arms.

"Lieutenant Janeway, Ensign Holden." Kathryn looked up at her name and the woman beside her finally moved as well.

"Captain?"

She watched as her commanding officer limped along their hastily-made cover, his weapon still clutched firmly in his left hand. He stopped beside Kathryn and gestured for the other woman to come closer. "I have a mission for the two of you. About twenty meters out there's a bent piece of a Federation shuttlecraft. There's a Cardassian under it and I'm almost positive he's still alive. Go get him."

"Does he have any information that could help us?" Kathryn shifted back into a kneeling position and looked over her shoulder briefly to see if she could spot the Cardassian in question.

"It doesn't matter. You— "

"What?" Both her and the ensign spoke at once, Kathryn's incredulousness more obvious.

"He's still a person, Kathryn. If there's something we can do to help him live, then we need to do it," Captain Tolstey explained, his arms crossing over his chest as he watched them.

"They wouldn't do it for one of us, and how do we know he won't try to kill us?" Ensign Holden huffed.

"You don't. But we have to give him a chance. Isn't that the point, Ensign? To be better than our enemy, better than the Cardassians?" He looked between them and Kathryn sighed. "There's enough brush between here and him. Even if the fighting starts again, you should be safe. I'm ready to provide cover if necessary, but you need to go quickly."

"Yes, Captain." She sighed and reluctantly set her weapon down, nudging it up against the wall so it would be out of the way.

Holden kept hold of her weapon and they shared a look before their captain helped them out of their hiding spot. Kathryn immediately crouched down and felt Holden do the same behind her. Trying to ignore how absolutely crazy the idea and her captain were, she focused on staying low and crawling through the brush.

It took them a while to cross the brush and reach the fallen Cardassian, surprisingly still alive. His shock was as evident as the Kathryn's and Holden's as they approached him, Kathryn quickly kicking his weapon out of his reach. He tried to claw at her boot, but she stepped back and glared at him, wondering if they could plausibly say he died before they reached him.

"What are you doing?" he growled, struggling to sit up and reaching for his weapon.

Kathryn kicked it further away. "Your own people are leaving you out here to die. We're trying to save your life." She glared and cautiously glanced toward the enemy lines.

"Why?"

"I don't know, but either let us help or we'll leave you here."

Holden stepped closer with her phaser aimed at him. He was quiet for several moments, his eyes moving between her and his people. Finally, a winced crossed his face and he nodded. Kathryn pulled her jacket off and helped him tie it around his leg, trying to stop the flow of blood enough to get him to a medic. They helped him to his feet, both of their arms around his waist to bear his waist. Kathryn could hear noises coming from the Cardassian side and held tighter to their prisoners as they hurried back across toward Federation area.

Just as they slipped behind the wall and into relative safety, the fighting resumed. Kathryn finished out her duty and made sure the Cardassian was in the wiling hands of a Federation doctor before she returned to her post to continue trying to protect their position, her mind still reeling with the idiocy of what Captain Tolstey had ordered her to do. Even as the confrontation ended for good a few hours later—just as the sun was starting to rise on the fourth day of their struggle—she still couldn't tear her mind away from the rescued Cardassian.

It was only a few weeks later when they were returned to Earth and decorated by Starfleet Command that she started to think and question her actions from the away mission. She still thought her captain was absolutely crazy, but a part of her wondered if he had a point about being better than the Cardassians.


	4. Year: 2365

She was on the edge of her seat, well aware of the bridge crew around her. The room was silent, everyone focused on the viewscreen and the little moon. This close, the surface features filled the screen, individual volcanoes visible on the surface and several in the process of erupting. Kathryn nervously bit at her lip, wincing as she felt her raw skin crack.

"Lieutenant, what can you see?" Kathryn's voice broke the silence, speaking causing pain to lance from her split lips.

 _"It's… amazing, Commander,"_  Lieutenant Jimenez's voice was filled with awe and she gasped softly. "These volcanoes are so active. The moon is literally turning itself inside out with these eruptions."

"How is the shuttle holding up?"

_"Temperatures are a little hot down here, but as long as we don't get too close to the magma streams, I think we'll be fine. Lieutenant Stanson is monitoring the volcanoes near us to make sure nothing erupts nearby."_

"Good, good. Take it easy, okay?" Kathryn sighed softly and closed her eyes for a moment.

_"Of course, Commander. Jimenez out."_

She stood up from her chair and rested her hands on her hips. Doubt still lingered in her mind about whether this survey mission was a good idea, and a part of her wanted to call the away team back. The information they were gathering was invaluable, but it took a good moment of self-reassurance before she could step away from her seat.

"Janeway to Jimenez." She hesitated as soon as she spoke, her eyes focused on the moon.

_"Jimenez here. Everything okay, Commander?"_

She could hear Jimenez's confusion in her voice and struggled to voice her concerns. "How close are you flying to the moon's surface?"

 _"Five kilometers,"_ Jimenez answered after a moment.

"Raise your altitude a little. At least seven kilometers; some of those eruptions are rather large." As she spoke, she watched yet another volcano spew magma off the surface. It was one of the largest they had seen and it left a sick feeling in Kathryn's stomach. "Lieutenant?"

There was no response.

She stepped closer to the viewscreen, her fingers digging in to her hips. "Lieutenant? Nicole?"

Again, no response.

"Rowles, can you locate the shuttle?" She managed to keep her voice even and looked toward the Operations Ensign.

Rowles hesitated, his fingers hurrying across his console. "No, Commander Janeway. They're… Their last position was just outside that magma stream."

"Just outside?" She fully turned toward Rowles, her eyes narrowing. "They weren't in the middle of it?"

"I'm not sure," Rowles admitted. Kathryn closed her eyes and returned to the captain's chair.

"Janeway to the shuttle  _Earhart_. Come in,  _Earhart_."

She tightly gripped the armrest, her gaze rapidly moving between her own console and the viewscreen. She desperately hoped for any sign of the shuttle and the away team, the sick feeling in her stomach vindicated as long as the shuttle was silent.

 _"Earhart to Billings."_  The crackly voice came over the ship's comm system and an audible sigh of relief sounded around the bridge.

Kathryn tightly closed her eyes and let out a sigh of her own. "Nicole, are you okay? Is the shuttle okay?"

_"No, Commander. No. Stanson and Jules are unconscious and a force field is barely holding us together. We need help, ma'am."_

"Can you return to the ship?"

 _"I don't think so."_ Her voice grew weaker and overwhelmed by static.

"Can we tractor the shuttle in from here?" She looked at the pilot, determined to do anything to get her away team back.

_"No, we're too far away."_

"It's too risky to get closer to the moon. Damn it…" She leaned forward in her chair, her mind racing through possibilities. "If we… modify the deflector dish with sub-emissive resonators and use that to boost the tractor beam?"

"That could work." Captain Todd stepped from his ready room and glanced at the viewscreen, his chief of security standing just behind him. In the back of Kathryn's mind, she was irritated by the officer's lack of faith in her, but she was relieved to hand command back to Todd. "Try it, Janeway. Get down to engineering and make it work."

"Yes, Captain." She hurried from the bridge, her heart pounding and the sick feeling threatening to overtake her completely.

Less than an hour later, the three members of the away team were safe in Sick Bay. Kathryn and Todd were assured they would all survive despite their injuries, but they had a long recovery ahead of them. Kathryn hid in her quarters, finally overwhelmed by the results of her actions. As she pulled her blankets over her head and tried to keep some of her composure, a plan started to take form.

Suddenly, she sat up and shoved her blankets aside. If the moon needed to be surveyed, Kathryn would do it herself. She hurriedly threw her jacket and boots back on, setting off for the shuttle bay at a run.

The moment she took off in the little shuttle, the bridge was alerted. "Where the hell is she going?" Captain Todd's voice boomed across the bridge and the crew looked at him, no one with an answer.

"She's headed toward the moon," Rowles answered, his eyes focused on his console.

"Toward the—" He shook his head and sat down. "Monitor her as closely as you can and I want to know the minute she returns to this ship. Keep that modified tractor beam ready in case she needs to be rescued." Changing his mind, he stood up and started for the turbolift. "I'll be in Sick Bay."

The crew watched him leave before they slowly turned back to watch the shuttle grow smaller against the surface of the volcanic moon.

Captain Todd was waiting for Kathryn when she landed in the shuttle bay, scorch marks across the sides and bow of the ship evidence enough for how dangerous her mission had been. He crossed his arms and watched as she slowly climbed out of the craft, her eyes meeting his and not showing a bit of remorse.

"You could have died," he finally said.

She stared at him, her boots planted firmly on the deck and her arms crossed over his chest, mimicking his stance. "That away team could have died too," she retorted.

"You were reckless, you defied orders, you— "

"Defied orders? No one ordered me to stay on the ship or not go down to that moon. I took initiative as a commander to do the job asked of us without endangering any of our crew." She stepped closer, her eyebrow arching up and daring him to argue.

"Your part of this crew and you endangered yourself," he managed, his voice firm.

Kathryn wasn't moved by the inflections and hint of warning in his voice. "I wasn't reckless. I did the mission and recorded the data Starfleet wanted. End of story."

Todd shook his head and surprised her when he let out a short laugh. "You could've died…" His voice softened and he looked down.

"I'm sorry." She paused and looked down for a moment too. "I couldn't endanger or hurt anyone under my command."

"Your instincts and way of thinking will make you a good captain one day," he commented, his voice still low, not even echoing in the empty shuttle bay.

She was stunned silent and remained quiet for several moments. "Really?"

"I knew it the moment I looked at your service record, Kathryn. It's why I requested you to be my second-in-command. You'll have your own ship one day, you will." He offered her a small smile. "For now, report to Sick Bay for a checkup and then take the next twenty-four hours off."

"Yes, Captain." She returned his small smile and brushed her messy hair back from her face. "Thank you."

He shook his head. "And don't you dare do something like that again without running it by me first." His voice hardened to the tone she was used to on the bridge. "Someday, when you're a captain, you'll understand exactly what it's like to see both sides of something like this."

"Yes, sir." She lingered a moment more and then started out of the shuttle bay.

He touched her arm as she walked by him, his gaze not leaving her until the doors closed and blocked his view.


	5. Year: Present

A gentle touch wiped tears and soot from Kathryn's cheeks, rousing her from unconsciousness. Her eyes fluttered, more tears falling as the lingering smoke in the room stung. It took her a moment to focus on the burning mess of a bridge and another few moments to notice the shadow standing off to her left. She was alert immediately, jumping from her chair and almost toppling over.

The shadow grabbed her and helped her back to her chair, careful in its touch and movements. She sank back and closed her eyes for a moment, her head pounding and whirling. She couldn't get her mouth to work and when she finally did, her voice was weak and hoarse.

"Who are you?"

"You don't recognize me?"

"Not when you hide in the shadows." She coughed and forced herself upright in her chair, watching the shadow closely.

The shadow moved closer until the light from the fires revealed well-known features. She stared for several moments, unwilling to believe what her eyes were telling her. "What about now?" he asked softly.

"No." She shook her head, wanting to stand up and fight the alien standing before her. "No, you won't take me. You won't feed off me."

The alien that looked identical to her father stared at her in confusion. "Kathryn, no. That's not who I am. I'm not an alien and I'm not the alien who tried to convince you that you were dead."

"You're not my father. You can't be, and it's oddly curious that you show up now as I'm waiting for death." She coughed and winced, her eyes closing against her will for a few moments.

"I promise you, I'm not an alien. I'm an angel." He held his hands out to her, trying to appear as innocent as possible.

She laughed and started coughing again, her fingers tightly holding to the armrest. "An angel? Really? You're better off saying you're an alien or a hallucination my mind came up with before I die."

"It's an honorable sacrifice you're making, Kathryn." The change in topic tripped her up and she shook her head, her mind struggling to keep pace.

"You're not even going to try to convince me you're an angel? You don't even have wings." She wiped at her eyes and cast a look around her bridge, her heart breaking a little at how awful it looked.

"No, I'm only a second-class angel. Helping you is supposed to give me my wings. You know, every time a bell rings, an angel gets his wings." He stepped closer and started to sit in Chakotay's chair, but changed his mind and remained standing.

"Oh, of course. I'd be the one to get a second-class angel." She pressed her hand against her chest and sighed.

"I want to help you, Kathryn, but you need to let me." He held out his hands again and she found herself analyzing him.

From a quick glance, she easily would have mistaken him for Edward Janeway, yet experience and science taught her to be more critical. She searched his eyes, his demeanor, for any sign of malevolence; instead, she only found an open innocence. He clearly wasn't the same alien she had encountered three years ago. She stared at him for several moments, forcing her eyes to stay open even as they continued to water and sting.

"Why do you look like my father?" she finally asked.

"I've been watching you, learning about you. We thought you would respond best to the image of Admiral Janeway," he answered, flashing her the smile she remembered so well.

"Do you have a name, angel?"

"Clarence Odbody, angel second-class."

She shook her head a little. "Clarence… Why are you here?"

"To stop you from giving up. To tell you to keep fighting." He finally kneeled beside her chair and rested his hand on hers. "You've done so many amazing things, Kathryn, and you have a crew that needs you. They need you and your first officer won't do."

She let out a bitter laugh and shook her head, willingly closing her eyes and tilting back. "They're better off without me, angel." Sarcasm filled the last word, her disbelief obvious.

"No, they're not. They need you," he pleaded. He squeezed her hand, but she yanked it back and pressed her hands against her face.

Her body felt tired, hot, and heavy. Her mind was slow, struggling to get from one thought to another. She knew she couldn't last much longer from smoke inhalation, let alone the fires continuing to burn from console to console.

"I would be better off dead," she finally whispered, her eyes squeezing closed. "They'd be better off if I was dead. If I had never been here to begin with." She fell silent and tried to swallow. "I wish I had never been born…"

She heard quiet whispering but didn't bother opening her eyes. She didn't care. It continued for several minutes while her hold on the armrest grew weaker and weaker.

"You've got your wish. You've never been born," he said, his voice soft and barely audible. Kathryn opened her eyes in time to see Clarence and the fiery bridge fade away into darkness.

The darkness remained, completely surrounding her as far as her eyes could see. She felt weightless without an ache in her body. Suddenly, there was a lightness in the air. She tried to take a step forward, but her foot didn't come in contact with anything. She didn't fall, but the blackness around her didn't change.

She didn't panic, instead, feeling at peace. She had no worries, no concerns, absolutely nothing to plague her mind. Harmony filled her entire body and she allowed herself to let go; her arms stretched out and she fell backward.

It felt like she was floating, the lightness holding her up and insulating her from pain. She got lost in it, her eyes closing. Her view didn't change, so she immediately opened them back up and stretched her arms out.

"Clarence?" she finally called.

"I'm here, Kathryn. You're going to be a witness to what life was like if you weren't born, starting in 2355 when you were an ensign on the  _Al-Batani_."

As he spoke, the darkness started to shimmer and Kathryn felt heavier and heavier. She closed her eyes to shield against the light appearing, her heart lodged in her throat. She held her breath until her feet connected to a solid surface and she stumbled, reluctantly opening her eyes to see the familiar decks of her first ship.


	6. Chapter 6

The hallway was filled with people slowly walking by, but not a single person looked at her or stopped to acknowledge her. Kathryn looked down, surprised to see her same ripped and dirty uniform so different from those everyone else wore.

"Clarence," she called out hesitantly. No one around her reacted.

"Yes, Kathryn?" His voice filled her head, but he was nowhere to be found when she looked around.

"What the hell is going on?"

"You wished you were never born, so I granted your wish. This is the galaxy without Kathryn Janeway."

"How?"

"I told you, I'm an angel."

She shook her head and leaned against the bulkhead, her eyes closing for a moment. "This can't be real. I'm hallucinating or I'm already dead or you're… Q…."

"Take a look around, Kathryn. You'll see for yourself soon."

She straightened up and opened her eyes in time to see a crewman walk right through her. She shuddered and bit her lip, wanting to call out to Clarence again. She didn't, and instead started toward the closest turbolift.

The moment she stepped onto the bridge, she realized something was wrong. She recognized the planet on the viewscreen, but it didn't look like she remembered. Instead of the smoking volcano, beautiful city, and purple force field separating the two, she saw a burning city. Magma and lava from the volcano overran the city and the force field was nonexistent. Her breath hitched and she closed her eyes against the sight.

"We have our away team back," someone said, his voice soft.

"How many Selay did we rescue?" Captain Paris' voice was just as soft and she could hear how devastated he was.

"Less than a quarter of the total population…"

Kathryn's heart skipped a few beats and she clenched her hands into tight fists at her side. "Clarence!"

The angel appeared beside her and rested his hand on her shoulder. She immediately shrugged him off and whipped around to glare at him.

"What the hell is this?!" She raised her voice and gestured to the burning planet. "This isn't what happened!"

"It is now. You weren't there to fix the force field and no one else could, so the city wasn't saved," he explained patiently, his eyes watching the planet over her shoulder.

"No, that's not possible." She quickly shook her head and turned away from both the planet and the angel.

"Over one million Selay die here today, Kathryn."

"No, you're wrong! I saved them!"

"No, you didn't. But if you won't believe me, I have more to show you of this galaxy without Kathryn Janeway." He looked at her and then up. "Whenever you're ready, Joseph."

Before Kathryn could shout or question Clarence, the bridge of the  _Al-Batani_  disappeared and she found herself on the surface of a different planet in the middle of a firefight. She instinctively ducked before slowly standing back up, her eyes watching a scene she still had nightmares about.

"The year is 2359, when you were a Lieutenant on the same ship. I'm sure you remember the fight for the Federation outpost against the Cardassians?"

"Yes," she breathed out, her eyes immediately seeking out Ensign Holden.

"She's dead," Clarence answered as soon as he saw where her gaze went. "Both her and the Cardassian you rescued are dead. She had no one to encourage her and Captain Tolstey had no one to send after the fallen enemy."

"No…" She shook her head, her breath stopping when she spotted Holden's body. "Oh, my god… No, it's... No…" Her protests grew weaker and she tried to swallow around the lump in her throat.

"That's now one million and two lives changed by your absence, and that's just what I've shown you. We could go through your childhood, your days at the Academy. I'm only showing you the moments I know will impact you the most." He looked at her and smiled sadly. "I told you that you're needed in this galaxy."

She shook her head and looked up, trying to stop her tears from overflowing. Even without the smoke-filled room, her eyes still ached and the tears didn't help.

"I have two more things to show you. Bear with me."

Once again, her vision went dark and she found herself facing yet another familiar sight from her memories and nightmares. She quickly shook her head and refused to look.

"You remember this moon, don't you? You recall the three members of your crew you sent on a survey mission?"

"Of course, I remember!" Her voice was thick with emotion and she swallowed, forcing her eyes open. "I remember this every time I order a member of my crew to do something that could endanger their lives."

"Then you should know that the three crewmen you sent on this away mission died. There was a different commander who ordered them instead, but he didn't have the quick thinking to modify the deflector dish and save them. How many lives have you affected now?"

"A million and five," she answered softly, a few tears finally overflowing and spilling down her cheeks.

"Good. I have one last thing to show you, Kathryn." Clarence took her hand and squeezed it gently. She felt the lump in her throat shift and a few more tears leaked out as  _Billings_  disappeared and  _Voyager_  appeared in its place.

"This is my ship," she sighed. "In much better condition than I last saw it…"

"It is in better condition." Clarence smiled slightly, still holding her hand, "but it's not your ship. You're not the captain and because you're not the captain, Starfleet and Maquis don't work together."

She looked up at the angel and furrowed her brow. "No…"

"Let's take a look at the brig." He gently tugged on her hand, but she pulled it back and took off at a run.

She reached the brig within a couple minutes, panting quietly as she approached the force field. Chakotay, B'Elanna, and the rest of the Maquis sat in their cells in various states of sadness and anger. Kathryn tried to hit the field, but her hand went right through it.

"This isn't right. This… No…" She shook her head and pressed her hand against the wall, relieved when it met a solid surface. She let her forehead rest by her hand, her eyes closing as the ache in her chest swelled up and threatened to burst.

" _Voyager_  didn't have enough of a crew without the help of the Maquis. As soon as the Caretaker's array was destroyed and  _Voyager_  encountered the Kazon, they were overrun. The crew never makes it home and most don't survive," Clarence explained softly.

Before she could process the angel's words further, the door to the brig slid open and a stranger walked in. By his uniform, she realized he must be the captain in her absence. Silent, Kathryn watched the captain approach Chakotay's cell and slam the wall by the force field, startling him.

"Wake up, traitor."

Chakotay stood up and approached the force field, getting as close as he could. "What the hell do you want?"

The captain deactivated the force field and stepped into the cell, his hand immediately grabbing Chakotay's. "I'm here to see if you're ready to talk. We've got a long way home and no one would be surprised if you didn't survive."

Kathryn stepped closer, trying to get between Chakotay and the captain, but she went right through them. "Stop this," she tried, but they didn't react.

She watched as the captain and Chakotay went back and forth, her commander never giving in, even as he was attacked and abused. She repeatedly tried to pull the captain away but only ended up on the ground herself, her head shaking quickly. Clarence grabbed her arm and kneeled beside her. She buried her face in her hands and let the sobs break free, tears streaking down her cheeks. Her breath came in quick pants and she tangled her fingers in her hair.

"Stop it," she begged through her sobs. "Please, make it stop. Please."

"Kathryn…" He rested his hand on her shoulder and gave it a gentle squeeze.

"I want to live, Clarence. Please, I want to live!"

There was complete silence for several minutes, Kathryn's sobs continuing quietly. Clarence kept his hand on her shoulder.

"I'm glad, Kathryn," he murmured. "I'm so very, very glad." He pulled his hand back and snapped his fingers.

Kathryn felt the smoke and heat and knew where she was without opening her eyes. When she finally did, Clarence was gone and she was once again alone on  _Voyager_.


	7. Year: Present

Her body was once again weak and heavy, her eyes stinging and her chest aching from smoke. She finally had the motivation to do something, to fix her ship and get her crew back and home. She ripped a piece of her already shredded jacket off, pressing it against her mouth and nose. Moving quickly, she left her seat and transferred control of the ship to Engineering. Before crawling into the Jeffries tubes, she paused long enough to look around the bridge once more.

By the time she made it several floors down to Engineering, someone was hailing. She stumbled out of the Jeffries tube and to the nearest console, wheezing softly as she answered the hail.

"This is Captain Kathryn Janeway of the Federation starship  _Voyager_ ," she panted, leaning heavily against the console.

 _"This is Crael of the Ipon. We received your distress signal and are here to help."_  The rough voice was the second-best thing Kathryn had ever heard.

"Oh my god, thank you," she sighed, forced to pause from another coughing attack.

_"You sound like you need medical attention, Captain."_

She shook her head despite Crael not being able to see her. "My crew are in escape pods headed toward the nearest planet. I need them returned and I need help repairing my ship."

 _"I'll dispatch a shuttle to find your crew while my engineers start repairs on your ship. I must insist you see our doctor while they begin work."_  The more Crael spoke, the more and more Kathryn's weak heart soared.

"I don't know how to thank you, Crael," she sighed.

 _"We'll discuss it once you and your ship are on your feet again,"_ he replied.  _"Do we have permission to transport over?"_

"Yes, of course. Transport directly to my location and you'll be in our engine room."

_"We will be there shortly. I'll send our doctor over so you don't have to leave."_

"Thank you. Thank you, thank you, thank you." She laughed breathlessly and ended the transmission, immediately sinking to the ground and resting her head against the console support.

She remained sitting as the Ipon engineers transported into Engineering. They quickly introduced themselves and started working while one attended to her injuries. Due to a difference in physiology, he couldn't do much. He was able to do enough to tide her over until the EMH was returned with the crew. Once she was more or less on her feet, she did what she could with repairs, constantly on alert for the return of the escape pods.

The moment Crael announced his ship was returning, she left the console she was working on and sprinted to the shuttle bay. She arrived as the ship landed, Crael's lead vessel working to return the escape pods to their normal location.

She stood off to the side as her crew stepped onto  _Voyager_ , managing a smile for each one as they walked by. "Report to your normal stations for right now. Most decks are without power and life support; once we restore it, we can all get some well-needed rest."

As  _Voyager_  started coming to life again, she continued scanning for her bridge crew. Tom and B'Elanna finally stepped off with Harry close behind. Kathryn started toward them, but she changed her direction as soon as Chakotay stepped off the alien ship. As the last one off, every other member of the crew had already left the room.

"Chakotay!" She ran to him and wrapped her arms around him, hugging him as tightly as she could.

He returned the hug and lifted her up, squeezing her as tightly as he dared. The movement triggered another coughing attack and she buried her face in his chest, her fingers tangling in his uniform jacket.

"Kathryn, spirits…" He squeezed her again and pulled back, futilely trying to wipe dirt and soot from her face. "You're okay…"

"So are you," she breathed, her fingers tightly clinging to his jacket. "I-I didn't think… I would see you again."

He shook his head and held her closer. "You look like you've been through hell…"

"I think I did go through hell." She shook her head and reluctantly pulled back. "We got so, so lucky, Chakotay. Someone was watching out for us."

"And someone is watching out for you now. Harry is transferring the Doctor back to Sick Bay right now and we're heading there to have him look you over." He rested his hands on her arms and squeezed gently.

"No, there's too much to do here. Most of the ship is still without power," she protested.

"You've kept it going this long. B'Elanna and Tuvok can watch over our new friendly engineers and you'll be back as soon as the Doctor clears you." He kissed her softly. "I'm not budging on this."

"Fine," she sighed, but a small smile formed at the kiss, "but  _Voyager_  needs her first officer while her captain's off duty. If I'm not back in an hour, come rescue me. Please."

Chakotay hesitated and watched her. "Okay," he reluctantly agreed. "On one condition: I'll rescue you from the Doctor, but I still won't let you help on repairs if he doesn't clear you."

"Agreed." She coughed and let out a wheezing breath. "Go fix our ship."

He smiled and gently held on to her arm; relief almost overwhelmed her at the contact. "You saved our ship and our crew. Now go take care of yourself."

She lingered a moment, so reassured to have Chakotay and her crew back. He nudged her toward the door and she huffed but allowed him to guide her outside. As she walked down the hallway, she heard a soft bell ringing. She stopped and looked up, a small smile crossing her lips.

"Good for you, Clarence," she murmured, her smile widening a little. "Good for you."


End file.
